Please Reconsider, Shania

Dear Shania,

I have received your message loud and clear, and I am sorry that you remain unimpressed by the positive qualities I have developed, as well as a full lifetime of substantial accomplishment. However, perhaps I have not stated my case clearly and explicitly enough, and for that I am sorry. If you are willing to listen, however, I would like to address each of your concerns, point by point. I think it will be a valuable exercise and that it is worth your time to read and consider my points closely.

While you may not be impressed by the fact that I am, in fact, a rocket scientist, I would remind you of all the hard work and dedication that it took me to get to this point. I labored for many years in school, straining under the weight of my expansive dissertation which eventually revolutionized many of the prevailing thought on next-generation propulsion systems. While the fact that I am a rocket scientist doesn't impress you, I would urge you to consider the positive implications about my character that one may arrive at by considering this accomplishment: it points to not only a keen intelligence, but also to a strong work ethic and acute ability to get things done. These abilities have seen me gainfully employed by NASA but also by a number of private sector companies whose names I can't tell you due to restrictive non-disclosure agreements. However, I assure you that I am well-compensated for my activities,and would be an excellent provider for the both of us.

Further, I would like to address your claims that I am vain, and despite my care for personal appearance, you are unimpressed by my all-American-yet-roguish good looks. I apologize for what you perceive as an emasculating attention to my appearance and my hair. Shania, I am no slob. I feel that an acute awareness of how I present myself is a positive quality that reflects my professionalism and that my attention to working out denotes my deep commitment to a healthy lifestyle. In an America that is growing increasingly obese, I would think that these qualities would be better received. And though you mention Brad Pitt as a byword for attractiveness, I would like to remind you who has achieved People's Sexiest Man Alive the most (Three times!).

Next, you attack me for my devotion to my car. I apologize for what you perceive as preening obsessiveness. I would like to remind you that my car is in fact one of a kind. As a rocket scientist, and one-time McLaren racing team consultant, I can assure that my car is the fastest one in existence as well as being quite stylish. Excuse me for having a little pride, Shania, in perhaps the most impressive achievement in automotives in many, many years. That you aren't impressed by it, seems to speak more to your continual lack of interest in MY hobbies than any failing on my part. Once again I would ask you to pause and reflect on the many positive traits and abilities I harnessed to develop this car, and consider all their positive applications for our soon-to-be rekindled relationship.

Shania, I know that in the past I have failed to impress you,primarily because of your doubt that I have "the touch." I'm not sure what you are explicitly referencing here, but you do seem to be questioning my abilities to keep you warm in the middle of the night. This reference to my alleged sexual inadequacies seems a little misplaced, and dare I say bitter. You know that in bed, I am a tiger, and unmatched paragon of virility and I dare say that you know it well. However, I am always ready for improvement, and with your suggestions, I know I will be able to fulfill you in every sense of the word. I will develop this touch that you describe. Considering my past accomplishments, I don't think you will doubt that I can succeed.

Shania please reconsider these things you have broadcasted to the whole world. I think that the evidence that I have brought to your attention will impress you, finally. I hope things will work out with us and the future and you will give me my second chance.

Sincerely,
Kellen

Comments

that's a total fucking lie,

that's a total fucking lie, kellen, and you know it. no one from vh1 has *ever* had the journalistic sensibility or decency to put me in the spotlight.

What was behind the music for

What was behind the music for Shania? I thought you had to have drug fueled melt-downs to earn the spotlight of VH1's hard-hitting journalism.

i think i personally feel

i think i personally feel most scarred by the number of times vh1 aired her "behind the music" special; i know more about her life than i am comfortable admitting.

Don't add insult to injury,

Don't add insult to injury, Stefan. It's been ten years, and it still hurts.

Shania made her decision in

Shania made her decision in 1997, and she sure as hell isn't changing it for anyone whose name isn't Mutt.

impressive

impressive